The Billy & Tigress Chronicles
...exerpts from Billy's Secret Email

Date: Sun, 13 Oct 1996 23:34:35 -0500
From: The Tigress
Subject: Hey, Billy! The Tigress here....

Am I glad Big Hands finally clicked on that running cat on your human's page. *Loved* your website, you good-lookin' thang .... and I know Big Hands is going to be delighted as this may help her get The Sweet One interested in surfing. The Sweet One is 14, loves me to pieces. The Other One is 10, loves me to death - literally, it sometimes seems. You'd think a human of that age & IQ would discern the difference between Stuffed Meeko and The Tigress (they call me Tiger. Creative lot, this!) but no-o-o-o-o-o, and I suffer. Anyway:

My older sister, Ms. Snooty Poot (Sweet One named her Licorice "'cause she's black & sweet" - yeah sure, from 5 and a half feet above ground! try a simple game of swat or tail tug with her Snideness and you'll find she's about as sweet as yesterday's litter!), anyway, back to business, which is that ONE of us is in the habit of number one-ing on The Sweet One's bed. Big Hands thinks it's me, just because she saw me do it, oh, 2 years, 7 months and 3 days ago (Big Hands has memory like Big Elephant, the humorless biped!) but I've tried to tell her: It's Licorice, you blind old bat, it isn't me.

I overheard her tell her dad - one of those Cat-haters - about it and he's lobbying to have us *both* evicted. I have to tell you, like Big Hands, I don't know which of us does it. So I've 2 questions for you, as you're obviously a Cat of Some Experience: How can I know if it's me, if I have a dual personality? I mean, I don't *think* it's me - I'm The Sweet One's favorite (Big Hands likes Snooty Poot, er, Licorice) and I lay on her bed, don't I? So would I foul my own nest? I don't THINK so!

The other question is on behalf of Big Hands. She needs to know if your human has any advice for (a) catching the culprit or (b) stopping this behavior. The alternative is ... a cat-less house ... oh Spirit of Simba, I SAID IT! I need help, Bill, think I'm going crazy ... know Big Hands is at the end of her leash over washing the down & lamb'swool comforters 4 times in 2 weeks ... can you help?

Going down fast... The Tigress (will slip my photo into Big Hands' next snail package to your human woman. Or you can just look at any grey & black tabby, & that's pretty much me)(kissy hissy!)

Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 01:14:24 -0400
From: Billy
Subject: Re: Hey, Billy! The Tigress here....

Hello Tigress...

wow, you must have big paws... it takes me forever to type that much - though i do the hunt and bite method, or the one claw method... it's good to hear about Big Hands family! Mom keeps talking about her so i figure there must be some other furred ones involved. Mom's funny - she thinks if she grows her hair long enough that she will have a nice fur suit like me... i keep telling her it doesn't work that way... i'm so glad it's getting cooler now... all summer long i was looking for the zipper in my suit and couldn't find it - and i'm the skinny one around here - i only weigh 15 pounds - so i know it wasn't hiding under my tiger pouch.

you were asking about that little problem that Big Hands is having with washing that comforter... is Snooty Poot, er, Licorice a 'geriatric' cat? er, getting long in the tooth? because behavior like that might mean she has a big problem going on inside her that she should go to the Man in the White Jacket that Puts Sticks in my Butt. A long time ago my older brother started doing that in the hallway and it turned out he had a BAD kidney problem - well it was so bad i don't want to talk about it - i really looked up to my older brother, Sparky. OR Licorice might be 'marking' The Sweet Thing as 'HERS' so really pompous cats do that you know - especially if they see either another 4-legger getting attention from The Sweet Thing - or if The Sweet Thing is getting new attention... personally i know i'm the favorite so there's no problem... The only thing i can say is that us cat's might 'go' where we sleep but we NEVER 'go' where we eat. Put a food bowl with crunchies in that spot... if there is a BAD problem then Licorice will find a new 'spot' to tell you that she needs help... (you can also try sprinkling hot pepper there - but that's nearly as messy... they also have commercial sprays called 'boundary' that are supposed to drive away cat's and dog's from a spot they've started to 'go' in...) that's about all my cat brain can muster - hope it helps in some little way... and don' t worry Tigress - i know you wouldn't do that. I can't believe you know a Cat Hater - i have heard of those humans - not good.

I can't wait to see your pictures... my mom is just *not* on the ball - she was supposed to get the newsletter off to you yesterday - and she didn't - she went to some powwow and came back smelling like all these great outdoors things like smoke and grass and trees and plants and dirt and bugs and ALL those REALLY REALLY tasty things... Then tonight just when she looked organized, Her Friend with Many Cats and Dogs and The Really Tall One I Never Met stopped by unexpectedly - Sabby and Lotus (punky) ran and squeezed under the futon frame but i was BRAVE and sat in the middle of everything and i was the STAR as I am the One Loved By Everyone, the One that Snuggles. Mom didn't get anything done but i liked her Bald Friends.

Say hello to Big Hands and the rest of your family from mine. Licks on your head, and keep your wiskers stiff... Billy.

Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 00:35:55 -0500
From: The Tigress
Subject: Re: Hey, Billy! The Tigress here....

Billy wrote, > Licks on your head, and keep your wiskers stiff... > Billy.

Ooooh, you have a way with words, Fellah! I think Big Hands likes the idea of the food bowl...only, our box is like 3 feet away from Sweety's bed, so who knows? The pepper might come in handy. I don't think it has a thing to do with Snooty Poot's age - she's 7 in human years, tops - she adopted 'em when Sweet One was in 3rd grade & she's now a freshman - oh there goes Big Hands again, getting all wet around the eyes, these ridiculous creatures!

And you should have seen B.H. just now, when I got back your post and she got one from some character who calls herself 'piglet' (her husbnd is pooh, the kids are eeyore and something else, honestly!) within 30 minutes of the posts we just sent out. Along the lines of

GOLL THIS IS TOO COOL --- LIKE I POSTED THIS THING HALF AN HOUR AGO AND YOU'RE AWAKE TOO AND JUST ANSWERED ME! EEEEE AAAAAAAYYYYYYYY TOO NEAT!!! pant pant ... can you tell I don't generally surf when others do....????? Yeeks! 2 cool!!!! :-D Deborah (can't stand it! gazunga!) OK, I'm better now, promise, no more posts like this! Yeeks! wow!

Isn't it humiliating? I tell you, we have to get this woman a career change, and quick! I for one vote for Stay-At-Home Human but Snoot likes the occasional can of Sheba too much for that, oh it's a hard life.

Glad to know you entertained the bald ones so well, but not surprised, a studmuffin like you - know the humans can't keep their paws off ya.

Typing too much (one-claw method, indeed!) Better follow her up and help her find the cayenne,

oh - she says tell Tara it's okay about the newsletter but "soon, please soon" (there she goes again. humiliating!!!)

Mrower! Tigress, The

Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 19:27:22 -0500
From: Cate (The Other One)
Subject: kit-kat cologne, lickable kind

> > and can you tell me why Billy is acting so wierd? he's putting on his catnip > calone - what you dont think he REALLY has catnip calogne? he does... sad > but true... and it's lick-able... (though i haven't tried it) > > tara

Dear Tara,

I don't know why Billy would put on kit kat cologne (lickable kind) - Tiger can't smell it! Anyway, I think that's *her* business.

Nice to meet you, Cate (The Other One)

Date: Tue, 15 Oct 1996 00:09:54 -0400
From: Billy
Subject: The Bald Ones

Hi Cate (the Other One)

I assume you are one of The Bald Ones... do you try to grow your fur long to make a cat-suit? or do you keep it to a reasonable cat-length... (I've heard that some of The Bald Ones even shave off what little fur they have... is that true?) I've never written to one of The Bald Ones before, this is all mew to me...

you wrote: >I don't know why Billy would put on kit kat cologne (lickable kind) - >Tiger can't smell it! Anyway, I think that's *her* business.

well i licked off all my catnip cologne, then i chased my tail on the chair for ten minutes, then i fell down and slept for a while (after i swiped at S abby's tail a few times as he walked by) - when i woke up i went to the crunchie-bin and had a snack - then i went to The Box - then i slept some more. Now I'm trying to think of something i can do that would impress The Tigress, do you have any suggestions? I could scratch the reed hamper in the bedroom and make little reed pieces all over the floor and then eat them. Would The Tigress be impressed? Its' too early in the season to wear my Santa hat.

ut, oh, Mom's coming - i better send this fast and pretend i'm just sleeping on the scanner...

^ ^ ~ ** ~ ~

Take care, Billy

Date: Tue, 15 Oct 1996 23:35:44 -0500
From: Deborah
Subject: Billy, you tell your mom....

...tell her she's a doggone, er, "cat-egorized" saint, doing all that homework for Sarah Sprout In Search of Senecas.

Told my dad and my sister - who are absolutely captivated by the 'net! - about the Billy/Tiger correspondence and its effects on Cate & Emilie & the 2 of 'em were so intrigued & delighted they forgot to complain about the kitties!!

Thanks again. I'm whupped! Goin' to bed! Take care, friend .... Deborah [wondering what tomorrow's snail might bring!!!!! <:-)]

Date: Sun, 20 Oct 1996 06:11:14 -0500
From: Licorice
Subject: Dear Sabby,

Ah-heh, isn't that quaint - "Dear Sabby" sounds so much like "Dear Abby," which human the Hairless Sort consult for their piddly trials ....

Oh, excuse me. Sabby, by way of introduction, I am She Who Holds It All Together, known patronizingly as Licorice "becasue she's black and sweet" but I shall be pleased if you will call me "Eminence."

I have looked over the shoulder of The Tacky Tabbye as she surfed the home page of that splotchy creature (don't you jsut feel *so* sorry for those who aren't a nice uniform shade like we two???) who has invaded *your* home. I boldly say that I perceive in you a kindred spirit, if not anyone I'd be remotely romantically [sic] involved with ... gracious, didn't your Hairless One's human with white coat and cold examining table *get* everything when you visited for that overnight stay, hmmmmm????

Well, all that aside, I do wish something of you. Not that I particularly need the help of anyone, but now and then a bit of input (oh stop it!! you crass thing! not *that* kind of input!!) from another elder statescat might apply.

This all has to do with the only human I can really tolerate of all my pets, The Lap. (I will, in one of those horrid moments, snuggle up to Sits & Yells, but it's too awful when he comes home smelling of streams of fish or forests of elk whilst She Who Holds has to make do with discreet romps amongst the euonymus bushes, hiding from the common, slavering beagle puppy next door ... in any case: The Lap - have I mentioned that Sits & Yells came back after *two whole weeks* with elk (though without any meat!) and bounced *right* into The Lap's bed, that night? Why, I was horrified and placed myself as squarely between the two of them as I could. Unbudgeable, that was me, and I'm proud to say it.

Alas, I keep wandering, don't I? Well, in a regal way naturalment. In any case, my conundrum. The Lap has been quite concerned as to whether your human (*tell* me you don't, like that spotted thing in your home, call her "Mom"!! please!) anyway, wehther your human has received The Lap's letter - not on this box thing, but written on that tasty flat white sheet - about how to make a certain kind of bag. A tulip bag, I believe she called it ... oh, don't you just *love* tulips? Especially the little baby ones that you dont' have to stretch your neck to nibble on? And the idea of a skin bag, right here in *my* home, for me to gnaw and attack ... ah, you see why I've developed such a fondness for The Lap - she's always doing sweet things like that

but great Simba's ghost, I digress again! (That's pronounced "a-gane," I hope you understand!) - would you see if your human has by chance not received the missive requesting information on making The Tulip Bag? It seems The Lap sent it to NIAC hq, having lost your human's home address (it *was* delicious! purrrr). And , not that I care, of course, but The Lap has looked a little hangd-g, muttering something about "no newsletter yet at work, no T-shirt order form, can't find my old issue..."

My dear Sabby, can you be of *any* assistance? I hesitate to admit it, but one does become *so dratted* attached to these humans in spite of ourselves.

BTW, you *do* have a stately air ... pish tush! if only the obligations of nobility had permitted me, and I had remained in the (shudder!) natural form, you and I might have run away, shedding our noblesse oblige for the life of the alleys ... ah, romance, what might have been (that's pronounced "bean," I hope you know!)

You have been honored to hear from me, I'm sure, She Who Holds It All Together

POWER TO THE TABBIES! HER NAME IS SNOOTY POOT! SNOOTY POOT! SNOOTY POOT! SNOOTY POOT! NEENER NEENER NEEN----YIIIIIKKKESS ,magj;lietjbvlkjnv apier;n;lakfdj;kdljkdfjkfdj032-8o i4'a'l4t]09 rgprpd'pfj[sdfi

Date: Sun, 20 Oct 1996 10:39:23 -0400
From: Tara
Subject: Re: Dear Sabby,

hi Deb,

i saw that e-mail that Sabby got - actually he doesn't do well with big words and "Eminence" has a big vocabulary so Sabby needed my help with a few definitions!! (he has trouble pulling webster's off the shelf). He will reply to Licorice soon, maybe while i'm at the powwow today if he can get Billy off the computer (litterally?)

Date: Mon, 21 Oct 1996 03:45:14 -0500
From: Deborah
Subject: Re: "Gabby" to Sabby ;-)

Need to talk to Lic about the length of her posts. Sometimes she gets carried away!

Date: Wed, 23 Oct 1996 23:37:36 -0400
From: Tara
Subject: Re: Re[4]: I can't lie with a straight face, either

>Tig & Licorice didn't mean to snub Lotus. It's just that when they heard there >was a THIRD feline in the same house, they both caught their breath and >blanched! It was hard to discern, underneath all the fur, but they did, they >just frea-ked out!

oh gosh - they didn't KNOW????? well - she has no interest in this high technology and rarely visits The Scanner. She doesn't snuggle - only does The Lap when she's hungry and usually only responds to the word 'meat'. Speaking of scanning cats - i did actually scan billy once when he fell asleep on the scanner when it's top was up - a most bizzare perspective on a cat i must say.

talk to ya lata' Tara

Date: Mon, 28 Oct 1996 19:04:57 -0600
From: The Tigress
Subject: Psst! Billyl! Honey! Over here!!!!

Hey, Good-Lookin', it's me, The Tigress. Okay bud, you gotta help me out. They caught me - twice - doing the magic marker thing on The Sweet One's bed. Snooty Poot sat there and smirked, the sleazy ... but no, we don't have time for that; I need your help.

Big Hands is working on The Sweet One, who had to camp on the living room floor again last night. Saying things like, "We can try food on your bed, but if she starts marking other beds, what will we do?" and "Liz and Dan would probably take her" - those two?? they're **dog** people, for cryin' out loud, Bill!

And Snoot - what would she do without me? Get fat and unfocused, that's what. Well, I know that if food-on-the-bed doesn't work, Big Hands plans to drop by the PetsMart tonight and will ask about some of those chemical sprays.

Though she's such an earth mother she hates the thought of more chemicals...

She's wondering if you have any insights on behavior mod for me (this is *so* humiliating!) as I know I'm Sweety's favorite and Big H. can't understand why I'd be so jealous of Snoot...

Oh, BTW. Tell your Bald One that Charlie's daughter got the princess title at the pow wow over the weekend. Big Hands didn't get to go, but the Sofa Spud, Sweety and The Other One told her about it. I also heard Big Hands telling the Spud that Charlie enjoyed corresponding with Tara - who is that, do you suppose?

Listen, last resort: Can you send me a Greyhound (shudder!) ticket to Storrs????

whiskers none too stiff these days, The Tigress

Date: Mon, 28 Oct 1996 22:49:05 -0400
From: Billy
Subject: oh, man, tigress.. this is bad....

Hey Tigress - you gotta catch a grip - you cant let this get out of control! you cant let the bald ones break up the family!!!!

woah... just ran away from the computer there -- little distracting when the bald-one-thats-gone-all-day buttons the top button of his shirt up over his head with a little tuft of hair sticking out of the collar and with one of those tiny-mini-pumpkins nestled up there - which looks like some sort of pumpkin-head/puppet--master thinng-bob-monster -- you have to see this to appreciate it -- just tell big hands to try this, or the other-one if he has a sense of humor, look in the mirror, and tell me you don't end up rolling on the foor with laughter.

well - on the serious matter - my dad said that he would call the-man-in-the -white-coat and ask advice - but he doesn't have much of an imagination... Now Tigress, are you sure that it might not be snooty-poot that you're jealous of... could it be that the sweet one has a new friend or a new school? some new smell? my cat-memmory lives for the present - how old is the sweet one again?

The stuff my mom and dad got to spray in the hallway is called "Boundary" and they got it at the animal-traders shop at the mall - it smells a little weird, not like flowers or pine or anything real, (but better than the magic marker) - you could ask the people-who-trade-paper-for-lives, they might know what to do about this...

how about if you made the top layer (beadspread) of the bed into a sort of tent by putting a stick or two, or box or other object, in the center underneath - then you would not be able to jump up on it? (as long as you a ren't one of those crawl under-the-beadspread-cats like lotus is)

has the sweet one ever thought of a canopy bed that has curtains that can be closed during the day? (my mom had some sort of hipp-looking thing with tapestries set up when she was a teen).

i can't think of anything else???? my little feline brain is all wooshed out - must nap, must nap... or eat, yes eat & store energy and then nap... yes...

oh tigress, best of luck with this - you can do it i know you can!!

>Oh, BTW. Tell your Bald One that Charlie's daughter got the >princess title at the pow wow over the weekend. Big Hands didn't >get to go, but the Sofa Spud, Sweety and The Other One told her >about it. I also heard Big Hands telling the Spud that Charlie >enjoyed corresponding with Tara - who is that, do you suppose?

Tara is mom - the other bald one with the pumpkin on his head calls her that i guess... mom said something about how she should really write back to Charlie as he was so nice to write to her -- and then she used all these words i didn't understand -- something about too many questions about halibut boots and ostrich hides.

>Listen, last resort: Can you send me a Greyhound (shudder!) >ticket to Storrs????

does the greyhound (bristle) think take nine-lives can lables???

>whiskers none too stiff these days, need some wisker wax?

woem's for you Billy

Date: Mon, 04 Nov 1996 22:54:52 -0400
From: Billy
Subject: hey Tigress.. check this out

Hey Tigress,

you have *got* to check this page out... beats the tail off of my page...

Cattimes: The magazine for catz written by catz


(hows that lil' problem going?)

Love, Billy

Date: Tue, 05 Nov 1996 06:54:02 -0600
From: The Tigress
Subject: Re: hey Tigress.. check this out

Billy, you swell dresser, you,

Saturday night, The Sweet One moved the litterbox into the hall outside her room, has been keeping her door shut except at night. Big Hands is being awfully nice to me - I don't exactly understand what's going on but I *haven't* had the urge to misbehave - well, until last night, they call it Monday...

Big Hands & Sweety were arranging the covers on Sweety's bed, talking about the day, I started to help them (scratching at the covers at the foot of the bed) when Sweety said "No!" and picked me up and set me on the floor. I head BH say, "Did she?" And Sweety replied, "She was going to - she was scratching."

To which I strolled over to the box, kicked out about a human-handful of litter, and did my thing. .... Thanks for the new site - hoping it will have a link to a local cat psychologist ... feline Freud ... tabby "terapist" ....

When is your mom going to add the Halloween photo of you? Boy,,,,, you're such a dreamy dude in your duds ......

Gotta go, hear Sweety rambling around.... The Tigress

And so continues the Billy & Tigress Saga...

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